A Letter

This is a personal letter. This is not for everybody. This is for a specific person. This letter is different just by the reason it is written for a woman. Sadly I don’t have a way to make it reach that person in a way I can assure the letter will arrive unedited. It would be great if somebody can make a proper translation and fix my English mistakes, so the message can reach as correct as possible.

I’ve been thinking that you and I have never clearly stated the situation between us and it may lead to misunderstandings. Maybe you think that I have bad feelings towards you or a negative attitude. That’s something very important I want to explain. First of all I want to say that I come in peace. I have nothing against you because at the end I understand your difficult situation and it is something I can’t judge. I am aware that you do everything because of love and when there is love involved we all became a little kamikaze. Maybe people think exactly the same about me when they see me taking care of others… So I don’t have the right to judge you.

I don’t know how much you know about me but I would summarize my position as a feminist who fights for an equalitarian treatment between living beings. It is my fight in life, my reason to live. It means that I fight for creating a safe environment where people won’t be mistreated because of their sex, sexual orientation, race, social position, age etc. I am aware you are lesbian and I please don’t think that it would create any negative feeling towards you. It is the very opposite. I admire the courage and huge amount of love that you have to say it openly, without any fear to the reprisals. I am aware that lesbian relationships are more intense, more complicated, deeper and stronger. Actually statistics in my country say that a couple between gay men has an average duration of 1 year, a heterosexual couple 3 years and a lesbian couple 10 years. It is simply because we, women, we are protective like mothers and tend to take care more of our partners. It is what I see in you: Your tirelessly effort to take care of your partner, to protect her from the effect of her own actions.

I’ve paid close attention to you and since ever I saw the way you protect your partner, no matter what effect would that have on you. Looks like it is that kind of love like “I will be a human shield for you”. Maybe that’s how I created that empathy with you. I also know how it feels when you love someone and you take care of that person, you are there, supporting, helping, sacrificing yourself, in the good and bad times, and then you realize that this person doesn’t give a sh** about what happens to you.

“Why would I worry about somebody who wouldn’t mind to feed me to the dogs?” One thing is to say it and another thing is to do it. We, as women, fall on that cycle very easily. We are taught that we must protect, take care, to forgive again and again, that love is directly related to be a martyr. We are taught that love is like that… but it is not. I shouldn’t be like that. Love shouldn’t hurt. If it hurts, then it is not love, it is a sick relationship. Sometimes we think that if we give more, everything will get fixed, when actually the relationship must remain in a 50% and 50%. There shouldn’t be sacrificed people in the name of other’s welfare.

As far as I created this empathy with you, and that I just realized that there are many things that are right in front of us but we don’t see it until somebody else point them out, I will do some kind of group therapy called “The showdown” or “The loving confrontation”. It is time to be face to face and say everything clearly. Sometimes we need somebody to slap us strong enough to wake up. It is not with bad intentions. It is not to enjoy other’s pain. It is to wake up, to stop avoiding the delicate topics, to face reality and to ask ourselves if we feel happy, safe and loved. This is a “sorry-not-sorry” situation. I don’t want to hurt you, but I may need to, so you wake up and analyze if your situation is right or not. We all are going through this process. It is part of the “emotion revolution”. It can’t be done sweetly and softly. It has to be a tough process, because when we are in our comfort zone we don’t evolve. This is the process: Shock, crisis, analyze emotions, organize our own ideas, take action.

This is the moment to compare what we expect and what we have. Expectation vs. Reality.

To make it clear that this is a non-manipulated situation, I will make it public, where everybody can contribute with their own ideas and opinions. That’s why it is called a “Confrontation” but it must remain in a loving way. People around you, who love you and want your welfare, will tell you all the things that they see and think are wrong so you can fix them. It must be in a loving healthy way, with constructive criticism and not destructive. Nothing to destroy other’s self-esteem.

Anyway, you have your free will. Feel free to ask whoever you want or to avoid other’s comments, to think everything by yourself and draw your own conclusions.

Why you? Because in this whole land where are we all involved, there are only 4 women with a deep and real mental illness. The one in a worst situation is the girl who cooks with hair on the food. She has been sick since very young and learned how to hide it. The second one is her little sister. She is not as sick but her mental health is degenerating really fast, I mean, just look at how much her mind degenerated in a year or 2. You wouldn’t believe that it is the same person. The third one is sick due to her environment and background. Power and money without love caused a mental break down on her.

And the forth one… is your partner. And I am giving you a real warning to be ready for the worst. I know you love her, I know that bad news about her causes you suffering, but it is the truth. Her mind is not stable and she tends to do things that are a risk for her and for her surroundings. She has self-destructive impulses. I’ve been giving small remarks, expecting you to understand, but it may not be enough and her mind is degenerating fast… and especially because I see the huge amount of love you have for her, I don’t want you to be blind until there is a bad surprise. I am especially aware of how difficult would be for you to find her in such situation. The difference between your partner and the other 3 sick people is that they don’t have somebody like you on their side. That’s why there is nothing to do with them.

As far as her sickness is in such deep level, she needs very intensive treatment. I want to focus on you. You are the closest person to her, you are in a bigger danger, especially because love makes you to lower any defense or protection towards her. You see her every day, you are exposed to her mental illness all the time and you won’t notice if she is getting you sick too.

When a person reaches such level of mental illness people around gets sick of several things. If her reality is distorted and she talks to you often, she will get her ideas into your mind and will distort your reality. If she has self-destructive impulses, she will be destructive towards you or will turn you into a self-destructive person too. There are several kinds of self-destructive people and she is the kind that reacts by impulses, so you don’t have to wait for a long depression or bad signals. That’s why it is so urgent to treat her. You are free to check her out with as many specialists as you want. Look for a second opinion from a doctor. Do whatever you want, but please take action with her. You can’t just keep going on like if nothing happens because you know that her behavior is not normal and you can’t hide it forever. You can’t face the effect of her actions forever. You can’t be always by her side making sure that she is not getting herself into risk. You can’t take care of her by yourself, you need help to help her. Professional help is never bad.

When somebody is too close to an insane person, they get a mental disorder called “stubbornness”. It means to be blindfolded towards the situation or not wanting to take action due to fear of the future. The sick person is not fully aware of what happens, of how bad the situation is, but people around who notice everything more clearly, decide to not see it, decide to fake like everything is ok, decide to not think about it and expect that the illness will spontaneously go away. It is an attitude of “If I don’t see it, it doesn’t exist”. Mental illness keeps growing up and ignoring it will just feed it.

You are blind in many aspects. I don’t know if you are aware of that. So, this is the first step of the confrontation. I will tell you what I see and then you analyze it. I can’t lie to you, because you know what you feel and I am sure there are many situations that nobody knows. So this is the slap in your face to wake up:

There are many kinds of lesbians. There is who is born being lesbian and who turns into lesbian. I’ve seen her and she wasn’t born lesbian. She likes men. A lot. She falls in love, she flirts, she feels attraction… But men are selfish, sexist and have their own issues. Men betray, men don’t take care of her, hurt her. Relationships with men fail so easily. She feels unloved, lost, alone and suddenly she finds a woman who loves her, who takes care of her, who stays on her side no matter what and who fulfills all her emotional needs… obviously she thinks she is lesbian. It can happen to anybody. If there is emptiness since her childhood, if mom failed to fulfill certain needs, if there are certain resentments against dad, if she tries having a relationship with men, again and again and men just if they mistreat her, especially if they use her as sex toy, men turn into disgusting beings. You are a shelter for her. You are that safe place where she feels loved for who she is and not seen as a sex doll to use a throw away. The problem is that she sells herself as a sex toy. She doesn’t know how to approach to men in a different way. She doesn’t see herself as something valuable therefore she sells herself as a cheap object. You may see her as the most valuable person in the world, and even say it to her, but if she doesn’t believe it, she won’t behave like that. She approaches as a sex toy and then expects to be treated as a lady. When it doesn’t happen she feels failed, she has self-destructive impulses, she feels that nobody loves her and then… you are there loving her and healing those wounds. She gets strong again, but then she still wants a man. She doesn’t say “Oh, men are bad. I will stay with this woman who loves me and treats me well”. No. She looks for another man.

She keeps dreaming that she will get married. This is another issue. She was raised with all those so harmful “Princess’ dreams”. She dreams to get married and have a white dress, a wedding cake, a party, a honeymoon where she can show off to everybody… and it is something that you can’t give to her. At least not in your country, not in your culture… I mean, in other countries you would get married and adopt children, but that’s a whole different story.

Why is she hurting the people around her so much? Because she is jumping from here to there, trying out several things, but she still doesn’t know what she is, what she likes, what she wants in the future and even if she knows it.. she doesn’t know how to get it. So, this is the first question. Is she with you because she loves you or because she can’t get something else? I mean, something that fits with her expectations. Do her expectations match her reality?

You need to think about this with a cool head. If what she has doesn’t match with what she wants, she will be frustrated. If she is frustrated she will blame others and be aggressive towards her surroundings, especially towards you. Does she enjoy your company? Does she look for your caresses? Does she love you every day or only after a crisis? Does she loves you so much one day and the next day she feels sick of you? Who kisses who? Who looks for whom? If you try to kiss her, what is her reaction? She may feel happy, sad, she may feel passion, she may reject you and even feel it as disgusting. Does she push you away? Does she kiss you sweetly? Does she hug you like if she is looking for protection? Do you feel her like a little girl? In the relationship, do you behave like 2 women or there are male/female roles?

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There are many situations that have nothing to do with you, but will affect the way she is with you.  What are the characteristics that she sees as masculine and feminine? What is her relationship with her father? What is the story of her first love? How was her first sexual experience? Does she really still believes in love or just sees love and sex as a tool to get benefits? Does she still believe in others? Can she really trust?

Being lesbian doesn’t mean that she is feminist, there are women who don’t believe in women’s strength still think that men are stronger, therefore they think that being a woman means to be submissive and punished and if becoming lesbian is like becoming almost a man who can be strong and take their own decisions. This is a dangerous attitude because the victim can turn into torturer and innocent people will suffer it. It can be a reason of why, despite she has a good relationship with you, she still looks for a man. Even if you fulfill all her needs, she may think that there is something missing, when actually there is nothing missing, it is just a personal issue.

It is known that lesbians have better relationships in general, in the affective side as much as the sexual side, but many of them still break up because of the environment. Knowing that it is something rejected by the society, the religion, the social pressure, the worrying of what would the family think etc. creates a huge stress. A person who is sure of her feelings will fight against it bravely, but if the person has doubts will try to remain on the comfortable side.

I won’t talk about cheatings or having several partners, because we know nothing about your agreement as couple. You may be on a free polyamorous relationship, under a common agreement, where both are free to have several sexual partners but still they are a couple who loves and takes care of each other. We can’t point out something as a cheating or not if we don’t know the personal agreement or there was a temporary break up or whatever.

Completely apart from her sexual orientation or behavior… How do you feel? Are you happy? Do you need anything? Is there anything you want to talk about? Does the reality match with your expectative? Are you satisfied with the relationship? Do you receive as much as you give? How do you see the relationship in a long term? Is your relationship affecting your job or other areas in your life? Do you feel loved, respected and appreciated?

And this is very important because it is clear that you are willing to sacrifice yourself in her name. You will try to save her no matter what. It is a huge proof of love but… Does she notice it? Does she appreciate it? Is she willing to do the same for you? You feel worried every time she gets into troubles but… is she trying to avoid problems for you? I am wondering if before taking any step she thinks about the affect it would have on you, if she may hurt you, get you into troubles, worry you.

Let’s make a list of priorities. If you make a top5 of your priorities in life, where is she? If she makes a list, where are you? Does her behavior match with that list? How important are you in her life? How important is she in your life? What would happen to each other if you were not together? If her actions had no effect in your life.

Has she ever wondered if you are getting tired of taking care of her like if she was a little immature girl? She may think that there is no reason to become responsible for her actions because you are always there to fix her problems, so she can keep going on and on and getting into bigger problems because she is so sure that you will always be there. It is clear that she takes you for granted and she knows that she can go away, do a mess and comeback and you will always be there, begging to her and willing to fix the mess. Couples should be equalitarian. Are you able to leave, make a mess and she will fix it for you?

As I said before, she has self-destructive impulses. It creates a desire for experiencing risky things. She enjoys putting herself on risk. She provokes those situations and she wants more every time. There are 2 kinds of people, the ones who enjoy rollercoasters and the ones who will never ride one. If you think about it logically, who would enjoy feeling something similar to death? But still there are lots of people who enjoy it. That kind of people looks for other “exciting” things to do. Remember that adrenaline is an addicting substance and the body wants more and more often every time.

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Having someone for granted is not exciting, is boring and can even turn into a responsibility, that’s why people say that marriage is boring and love affairs are exciting. If you are on a diet and only eat chicken breast every day and you are told that you are forced to only eat that every single day, you will want to eat a chocolate cake even if you know it is not good for your health. That’s the same situation. When you assume that something will always be there, it can easily change from a privilege to a responsibility and then turn into tiring and annoying. But if you know that at the first mistake your partner will simply break up with you without dramas and you know he is not giving you a second chance… you behave well for sure.

Usually, we don’t want to see when our partner is already tired of us. It is very hard to definitely finish a relationship, especially if it is very long. Sometimes people instead of saying clearly “This is over” they do things to make you run away, so you are the one who takes the first step to break up, so they don’t feel bad after that. If you don’t get the message you may turn into a sticky person. Have you heard the saying “Sticky like a bubblegum under the shoe. The more I step on her, the more she sticks to me”. Of course nobody wants to be under that situation, so we shouldn’t blindfold ourselves and constantly analyze how our partner is feeling about the relationship.

How can we know it? Let’s suppose that I am tired of my partner… it means that I am not seeing her abilities or I minimize them while I maximize her flaws. Therefore she will turn into an annoying person. It will be so bothering to spend time with her. Even if there is a fun situation, I would prefer to do it with somebody else or alone. It will be even worse if the person tries to kiss me, hug me or gets too close. I can feel that she is not respecting my personal space. I will feel suffocated. I will feel that she needs to do more and more things to keep me on her side because she doesn’t deserve me. I will point out her flaws without thinking about hurting her (because there is a difference between destructive and constructive criticism). I will compare her to others. I will think that I will be better with somebody else.

If she would define you with one word, what would she say? How would you define her? Does her behavior match with what she said?

Anyway, as far as we are talking about a sick person, we can’t expect a logical behavior. When we face a person like this, we have options. You can stay with her and try to help her as much as possible, but being aware that her mind is too degenerated. She has crossed the line to insanity too much and we don’t know how much it is possible to save from her mind. The crazy laughs, the hyperactive behavior and the level of her obsessions are too bad signals. I say it again, you should be ready and always expect the worst. She is not gonna change, she will not be completely healthy never, she can’t even get better… the more we can expect is to stop her mind from degenerating so fast.

See it as a person with cancer on a terminal stage. You can try to get some treatment or you can just let things flow and whatever has to happen, let it happen. Get used to keep living the same way you have been living the past months, maybe things will remain the same, maybe they will get worst. Just remain aware that she can get you sick too. Maybe you need to reset your priorities and check what is more valuable… yourself or her… What can be still saved and what cannot.

You can run away and let her to face the effect of her own actions. Maybe you will remain with a bad taste of being selfish and regret that you abandoned her in the name of saving yourself. It depends on how much you have done to each other. Your heart will tell you if she deserves to have you on her side or if she doesn’t deserve you. Anyway, we don’t know how much time will you be able to bear the responsibility of taking care of a sick person, but you always have the “abort mission” bottom available.

Anyway, just remember that love doesn’t hurt. If it hurts, then it is not love, it is a sick relationship. Nobody deserves to be mistreated under any circumstance. We can easily fall on the violence circle:

Honeymoon: Where everything is beautiful.

Stress stage: The person is getting tired of her lover and feels trapped. Small actions of disgust and rejection towards the lover.

Violent act: When the person explodes against her lover

Regret: The person feels bad for being ungrateful, asks for forgiveness. There is self-punishment and self-humiliation. Promises of change and “It will never happen again. I didn’t see your real value”.

Honeymoon: The person is even sweeter to compensate the mistreats and humiliations towards her lover

Stress again and the cycle starts again. Every time the honeymoon and regret stages are shorter and the violence stages are more violent. For example, if the person asks for forgiveness and the lover is already too hurt or doesn’t forgive, instead of a honeymoon, there will be another violent action like emotional blackmail or threatening. It is like “I will punish you for not obeying me. What does hurt you the most?”

Always expect the worst. That’s why it is very important to have the help of a professional doctor. Do some research, ask for the professional’s opinion, gather as much information as possible and then look for possible solutions for your problem, but you can’t just keep acting like nothing happens. Right now you are a tight rope walker, you can do it blindfolded or not.

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