Once again, I bring you a story. I like to share these stories because I think they may be helpful. I want you to meet different cultures, different minds, different situations, and learn from all of those. Every person manages the same situation in a different way and somebody else may find solutions that we don’t see. From time to time, it is helpful to get out of the comfort zone and observe the world around us. Sometimes we miss important information because there are many things happening around us at the same time and we get off focus very easily, but if we put the information in written words and we read carefully, we may learn a lot even from the most trivial conversation. In this case there is a special story based on a conversation that I, personally, consider very helpful and I like to go back and read it again when I feel I need it. That’s why I want to share it with you.
Jess: Why didn’t you tell me your name?
Chan: Why didn’t you tell your real name?
Jess: Nobody uses their real name in an online game.
Chan: You know why. If I tell you, you wouldn’t accept to talk with me, not the way we do. If I wanted you to listen to me, I needed to do it this way. It was the only way and you know it. Otherwise you would say immediately “No. Never”.
Jess: Why did you use the pseudonym “Chan”. You changed your name and it led to several misunderstandings. Are there any other lies?
Chan: It wasn’t a lie. Actually people call me “Chan”. In Japanese, “Chan” means “youngest”. When I was learning Tae Kwon Do, I was the youngest of the team so everybody used to call me “Chan”, but I was much younger than the rest, so they called me “Chan-Chan”. I grew up with that nickname.
Jess: I feel really surprised by your proposal but honestly, I don’t think it would be a good idea. I don’t think this is the right moment to get into a relationship. It is too soon since the last breakup. There are still ideas and feelings needing to be organized. Everything is still unstable. How can I start a relationship if I don’t even know in which country I will live?
ChanChan: At this point, we are both in the middle of a crisis. You are right, we are not emotionally ready to get into a relationship… You have your problems, I have mine, but at this point we need it the most. We need support, somebody to listen to our problems. We need to feel loved, protected and somebody to trust. As far as us both just finished a long relationship, if we get into another relationship fast, it will be with the wrong person and it will cause even more troubles. We can’t add more troubles to the troubles right now. Another failed relationship will hurt our confidence permanently. So, this is my proposal. We have a common point: Your parents. I respect and love them. They respect and love me. I know how important they are for you. This common point works as limits for us. We are aware that we should be careful of not hurting these important people. It means that we will both take care of each other and will not hurt each other. Somehow we are in a “safe zone”. Also, it is a way to not allow ourselves to get into a bad relationship, but at the same time we find the support we need. We can trust each other, right?
ChanChan: Then, you are safe for me and I am safe for you. Right?
Chan: It would be the best solution. People won’t ask us about our breakups. If they ask something you don’t have to say “I just had a breakup and now I don’t know what I will do with my life”. You just reply “Yes I am in a relationship with a girl, her name is… her age is… blahblah”. We will be emotionally safe until we feel ready to start again… or we may realize that actually we are meant to each other. I want to make this clear. I am not playing at all. I am serious. I will be respectful to you. If you want to breakup at any moment I will understand it. If you feel ready and want to have a relationship with somebody else, I will understand. But I am sure that you will notice that we are a perfect match. We are totally compatible. Actually, if you ask me, I wouldn’t doubt about marrying you…. But that would be a little premature to talk about marriage. I just want to make it clear that I am not a player.
Jess: Well, in all this time I’ve seen you being respectful to your girlfriend. While you had a commitment I never saw you flirting with somebody else. I am sure you are not a player. For me, it is your biggest attribute right now. I just don’t understand why you looked for me. I am sure there are many other girls around you. How do you feel so sure about our compatibility?
Chan: There are 2 reasons… Despite you and me never met, I’ve heard many things about you. They are always talking about you. Every time he was talking about how great you are, how well you behave, the way you don’t get into troubles… I realized how many things we have in common. I think I know you better than you can imagine. I know everything about you. I am in a very convenient situation. It is like if I could read your diary. I know everything you have done. People say, “If you want to know the real self of a girl, look at her mother and you will know what she taught to your girl”. That’s what I did. I like your mother’s personality… How she took care of your father, how much she loved him, everything she taught to him and everything she learned from him. Please, see everything from my viewpoint. I’ve never seen a person taking care of her partner with so much love. I see it and I want that for me too. Maybe this is the only opportunity I can have something like that. I know you are like your mother and once you get married and have children you will do exactly the same. I want a partner who teaches me from new food, how to dress properly, somebody who takes care of me when I am sick… and especially someone who would be a great mother for my children.
Jess: You can’t completely trust about what my parents say. Parents are like that. Love makes you to see the other person as perfect and the most beautiful, smart and precious thing in the world.
Chan: I saw him saying nice things about you, every single time, day after day. If there were troubles I would know it. But I saw him being happy, day after day. I want that. Believe me. I know everything about you.
Jess: Ok, so you are looking for a perfect wife and mother of your children. I match with your search. Sounds very convenient for you but… how is it convenient for me?
Chan: You need and deserve support. Until now I haven’t seen anybody to really support you and really take care of you. It is not fair. It is something that I would like to do. You know where you need help and that’s exactly what I can do for you. I know about your worries and we would make a perfect team. You have to admit that you need help. You can’t do everything by yourself. You are not almighty. You need help. My help. You know that I am the one who can help you. You want to take care of your family and people who are important for you, and maybe you can do it right now, but you won’t be able to do it in the future, not always, not by yourself. There are things that you can’t handle. Think about this situation in 10 years. You can’t handle all of that. That’s why you need me. It is something that only you and I are willing to do. We can be a team. We can both work on the same goal: Our beloved ones. It is something that nobody else would understand. They won’t understand you and they don’t understand me. Only you and I.
Jess: I already admitted that I can’t do it by myself. You are right, it is a pending issue that I don’t know how to manage.
Chan: Also, you have a very specific idea of the partner you are looking for and you won’t find it very easily. You know that I am the only one who fits on that specific profile. I am saving you so much time of searching. Others may try… but you know I am the only one who can do it properly. This solution would make all the pieces to fit in the right place like in a puzzle.
Jess: So, What is exactly your proposal?
Chan: Very good question. My proposal is that we get into a relationship, with a safe person, to avoid getting into a bad relationship. We will help and support each other. If after the time, things work well, we can even get married. We are already special and important for each other. There is already a friendship, a certain loyalty, respect and we don’t intend to hurt anybody. I think after time all those feelings will grow to a next level and turn into a romantic love. Then we will get married and have a successful marriage because we are perfectly compatible.
Jess: But, how do you know that we are compatible?
Chan: Despite we were raised separately, somehow we grew up under the same circumstances. We have the same values, the same goals, and even if we have a different history, we handle every situation in a similar way. We even have the same economic level, the same educational level, the same beauty level, the same age, the same amount of experience in life. We are even in all aspects. That way we can understand each other better. As far as we are even we can’t abuse of each other.
Jess: That way your proposal is very tempting. But why not staying alone, without a partner?
Chan: At this point we need to prove ourselves that we can have a successful relationship and that the last breakup wasn’t completely our fault. In both cases, it was a problem of incompatibility. There was love, but it is not enough. You are not compatible with him. I am not compatible with her. But you and I are compatible. So we will use this relationship as a way to check and fix everything we did. It is a great opportunity to heal any trauma we got.
Jess: Ok. Before doing this… we need to make clear rules.