I will die a virgin (Part1)
I am sure about it. I have no hope. I am aware that I have no social abilities at all and every time I try to interact with people I feel like an Asperger child in a circus… Please don’t think that I don’t try. I tried, but failed tragically. Yes, meeting people and talking to others causes me panic attacks and I hyperventilate just to thinking about it. I was worried about myself. I asked again and again, “What’s wrong with me?”.
I tried to make friends on real life, at school. It is the most common way, right? Everybody makes friends and has a boyfriend at school… but I failed tragically.
Once I was talking with my friend Red. I told him that I am starting to feel afraid of coexisting with other human beings, because everybody is just too crazy. Red told me that I have to change my attitude. I told him that everybody is too crazy to live together with others peacefully, just being confident that you will be ok. I mean, we can trust nobody. We never know what kind of crazy people we will meet.
So I kept thinking and thinking and every time I am surer that i am not the problem. The problem is the rest of the world. So I could remember my first day at the language school and I want to tell you about it. It didn’t happen the same day (thanks God), but it happened the same week. Now I think about it and it is so obvious!!!
Life is that simple: People are just crazier that I thought.
*To keep people’s privacy I changed their names, to their nicknames.
At the English classroom.
Teacher: Let’s practice some conversation. Make couples and you will talk for 5 minutes. The topic is music and musical instruments that you know how to play. Start now.
*Conversation in English*
Phoenix: Do you know how to play any instrument?
Me: No. Do you?
Phoenix: … You speak English very well, shouldn’t you be on a higher level?
Me: There is no higher level -.- It will start the next semester, but I need to keep practicing so I don’t forget it. Anyway, I didn’t have good English teachers, I don’t know if my basic knowledge is correct.
Phoenix: Where did you learn English?
Me: In Canada. I lived there some time and I just moved back to Mexico.
Phoenix: I lived in England. It was easy for me, because I studied English in Mexico. I also moved back to the country a couple of months ago.
Me: How is England?
Phoenix: Hmmmm… Mmmneh…. It is fine to visit, but not to live there. How is Canada?
Me: Hmmmm… Mneh.
Phoenix: I also lived on Germany, but I don’t speak much German. It made it harder to live in Germany. Do you plan to move back to Canada?
Me: Hmmneh… I don’t know. Now i am in the middle of a sweet reencounter with Mexico. I don’t plan to move back to Canada soon. Maybe I will move to another country… there is a huge world full of different cultures to know. Going back to the same place is a waste. Do you plan to go back to Germany, once you learn more German? People say that the immigration process is very hard… and that people are cruel… Germany has a very bad image… Is true everything people say about Germany?
Phoenix: Me… ehm… well… they see things different… foreigners have a different viewpoint of… love… and friendship… and love…. “Gets into fetal position on the floor and cries silently*
Me: *afraid* What happened? Are they mean? Are they racists?
Phoenix: Yes.. mean… they are mean.. women are very… mean… they are the devil!!! Do not give your heart to foreigners… they will enjoy stepping on your heart together with your soul… *cries* evil women.. they are so mean…. Why are they so mean? Why?!?!?! OH GOD!! WHYYY!?!?!?! *sobbing and whispering* why? I loved her… i did love her… love her… so much… so, so, so much… so much i loved her… *keeps crying*
Me: Ehm… i think i will walk away slowly…. hehehe
My dear Phoenix, I couldn’t understand you and just left you crying….
At the French class.
As it was the first day, we did a test to check the level of the group. Usually I am the first one to finish tests, even if I know nothing. So I went out of the classroom to wait for the rest of the students. Immediately another guy came out. Let’s call him “Kike”. The first thing about him that grabbed my attention was his style. I may say that he looked like a hippie, but he wasn’t exactly as a hippy. It was a little different. He became a very good friend. I learned to love indigenous clothes, and I even started dressing with these clothes.
He had black long hair and something about him reminds me to the ancient Aztec warriors. Actually he looked more like a Mayan warrior.
He used to wear necklaces and bracelets made by indigenous people. Everything was a piece of art, craftworks made by hand. In addition to his long black hair…. And he had his books on a bag, also made by indigenous people.
He was always talking to another boy, who was even more hippie, who moved around the city using a unicycle.
To be honest, this was wasn’t handsome, but he had a really strong personality, he was so impressive and it was really interesting to talk to him. He was completely different to everything I’ve met before.
So we were outside of the classroom, after the test.
Kike: Hi. How was the test?
Me: Hi. I just realized that I speak less French than I thought.
Kike: French is the hardest language to learn, the most stupid and useless you can find. Most people quit before the first semester ends.
Me: I know. I already hate it…
Kike: Most people fall for the “It is the most romantic language in the world”. Then they realize how stupid it is and quit.
Me: Then, why are you studying it?
Kike: I am studying several languages at this school and i have a free hour between 2 classes. I couldn’t handle to be idle for an hour. And this is the only language is this school that I haven’t studied, so… here I am…
Me: I joined French because i thought it was important, now i realized that it is not.
Kike: If you want something important, you have to study Chinese. The school is trying to start that language but nobody joins. They need at least 20 students to start a group. I would join it, but it is at the same time of Portuguese. I am on the last semester of Portuguese and I want to finish that.
Me: Wow, you are almost finishing Portuguese…. Chinese scares me. Right now I am taking German as my biggest challenge.
Kike: German is easy if you know English. I will finish Portuguese and Italian soon. I am on the 3rd semester of German and I just started French. I also want to study Chinese and… Ahhh I must study English but I don’t want to. Also I am on another school where I am learning Nahuatl and Mayan (2 aboriginal Mexican languages). Before learning the languages around the world, we must learn our own languages. Everybody at this school wants to move to other countries while they don’t know their own country. Some time ago, I also wanted to move to another country. Then I knew more deeply about our own culture and the aboriginal languages. Everything is so beautiful.. the language, the medicine, the art, the food and lots of other things!!! At the end I realized that there is no better place to live than Mexico. If all these children would know about the land they are stepping on, they wouldn’t want to go to Europe or Brazil… What does Brazil have that they can’t find in Mexico?
*5 minutes later*
Kike: Then the witch doctor and the shamans take a branch. They take off the bark (crust?) of the branch and you can see some substance that looks like milk. They put it on the man’s back and made a massage… a little later his back was fine again. He was healed! Everything is on the nature; we just need to learn how to use it.
Me: Oh yeah!!! I had a friend who had an accident and his knee was completely destroyed. Doctors said he wouldn’t walk again. He went with a Chinese very old man. He used to mash some herbs and put them on his knee. It healed very fast. At the end, doctors said that he just needs a small prosthesis.
*5 minutes later*
Kike: There is the theory about some aliens traveling to the center of the earth through volcanoes. They absorb huge amounts of energy and leave. Meanwhile we are here, wasting our efforts burning fossils and coal like idiots.
Me: Indigenous people at a small town, very close to here, say that there are some grottos with a subterranean river. Every year the shamans go to that grotto and make a ritual to thank for the good weather and harvest. Nobody else can come in. The shamans say that they meet their gods there, who live in a subterranean ocean. The shamans say that these gods tell them what to do to not destroy earth so much. Shamans say that these gods told them that if we pollute the world too much, that pollution reaches their ocean and damage them. So very year, these gods scold or praise the shamans, according to the people’s behavior.
*5 minutes later*
Kike: Before learning to play the guitar, you have to make some exercise to learn how to coordinate both hands. Look at what I do and do the same… *looks at me while I try to do the exercises* Ehm… Well, maybe you are not good at it… but I will teach you how to play the seashell…
Kike: The seashell. Like the aztecs did. You have no idea how great it is!!! The feeling of playing the seashell, on the top of the main pyramid!!! Last year I went there with the Nahuatl group.
Me: O.O Do you really know how to do that?
Phoenix: Hello, my friend *grabs my arm* I am leaving but I have your notes on my car. Can we go get them? *whispers* Let’s go… I have to tell you something…
Kike: Do you have a car? Do you have any idea of how much pollution is caused by your car? You are destroying Mother Nature!!!
Phoenix: Are you telling me that you go from one side to another of the city just by walking? Haha come on man!!!
Kike: Of course not! I have my unicycle!!
Me: Do you also use a unicycle?
Kike: Of course I do! It is great. I can get you one. You will love to move around the city beside me with our unicycles!!!
Me: Ehhhmm… yeah… I will go get my notes with Phoenix.
*At the car*
Phoenix: Do you know that his hobby is to walk on stilts? Hahahaha I can imagine you on a unicycle. Seriously? Learning nahuatl? It is useless!!! Languages are useless. You better learn English and people must understand you wherever you go. Actually going to school is useless. You have to start working right now. Gain experience and study only if it is necessary. Focus on what is really important. Have you seen how poor is Kike? Just because he lives on his fantasy of Aztecs and Mayans, and being a tree hugger and blahblahblah. You can’t bear all of that, and he is taking things seriously with you. It is really weird for him to have friends. He is not your type, and he is being serious. At some point you will leave him and will break him down. Come on!!! You will never use a unicycle!!!! PLEASE! LISTEN TO ME! Oh MY God!!! We are talking about a unicycle!!!! A UNICYCLE!!!
After I had the Italian class. I really love that language and i was so happy. I had the best teacher in the whole school, the schedule was perfect and it was like a dream come true. But we already know that if something looks too perfect, I can’t be real.
Teacher: Now, we will practice with 5 minutes of conversation, so you can compare yourselves with the others. So we will see how advanced we are and where to start. Talk about a common conversation, you know.. How are you? What is your name? How old are you? What do you like to do? That kind of things.
*Conversation mixing Spanish and Italian*
Me: What do you like to do? Do you have any hobby?
Romeo: I like to watch movies. I like romantic movies. It’s a pity I don’t have a girlfriend. If i had a girlfriend, we would spend the evenings at the sofa, watching romantic movies… Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Ehm… Yes… (lie… I panicked).
Romeo: My favorite movie is “City of Angels”, or the name used in Spanish “An Angel in love”. I wish I can find somebody who can love me like that. Somebody who I love so much that I would do anything for her, that I won’t mind on giving up to eternal life or anything for her. I spend day after day watching at romantic movies, waiting for the day will be the protagonist of one of these stories…. What is your favorite movie?
Me: ¬.¬ The ring…
Romeo: I recommend you to watch “Sweet November”. Wow that movie just made me cry. I think you are blocking your feelings. Let your feelings to flow freely. We should watch the movie someday and who knows? Maybe you feel identified with the character of Nelson….
Me: Nelson? Are you talking about The Simpsons?
Romeo: Nooooo! Keanu Reeves!! That’s the name of his character in the movie. We really have to watch that movie. I know it will help you to connect with your emotional side. I know you have feelings somewhere, I know there is an emotional side somewhere… they are just hidden, like sleeping…. We have to work on it and who knows? Maybe I will end up changing your life…. for good…
Me: (I feel like when Dante says “I know there is a Juliet in your heart, but you don’t let her to go out”). Ehm…. Can we go back to the script? Please. Let’s see…. *In Italian* Would you like to go to the Plaza for an Icecream?
Romeo: I would like to learn enough Italian to move to Italy.
Me: I know. I also would like to visit Italy, but maybe not to live there.
Romeo: Just think about it!!! Venice…. Under the moonlight…. A gondola…. While a dude sings some random Italian love song…. And you are there, beside a man who loves you so crazily that he would die for you, after having a dinner, at some romantic restaurant under the light of the candles….
Me: MMmmm… yes, Italian food…. It is delicious… and the ice cream!!! Do you speak other languages?
Romeo: Think about a glass.
Romeo: Think about a glass and describe it.
Me: What can i say about a glass? I mean… a glass of wine, with red wine… Why is it so special?
Romeo: How full is the glass of wine?
Me: Well… How much a glass of wine must he filled? The average… what is correct… i don’t know. I know nothing about wine….
Romeo: You know… psychologically, the glass represents love…
Romeo: Listen. You imagined a crystal glass… it is fragile, it can be broken easily. You imagined red wine. It is your romantic, passionate side. Some people just say “water”. How much wine does it have? It means how much you let yourself to fall in love. But you didn’t say “full” or “empty”, you said “The correct amount”. Do you see how you don’t let yourself to fall in love? You need to change that. I think you are in a worse situation than Nelson… It will be a hard job, but I know I can help you.
Me: O.O worse than Nelson?
Romeo: Do you know how I imagined the glass?
Romeo: I didn’t think about a crystal glass. I imagined a goblet, made of gold, a heavy, strong goblet, which will last forever, centuries, more than my own life. I imagine a beautifully carved goblet. The goblet is a real art masterpiece, made by angels. It is so beautiful that it can’t be made by humans. I didn’t imagine wine. I imagine blood, thick, dark red blood… and the goblet is so full, that the blood overflows and spills out of the goblet, and it runs over my hands and it keeps running until the floor, the goblet’s gold is covered by red blood!!! And it keeps running until the floor!!! And i grab it with my hands, using all my strength because when i have something in my hands I WILL NEVER LET IT GOOO!!!!
Me: Ahhhhhhh!!! Teacher…. Can i change classroom? Chan i change school?!?!?! I don’t want to come to this school anymore!!!!
Teacher: Ok, change partners. People on this side, please, move one step to the left and talk 5 more minutes, with the next person.
Romeo: (To the next girl) Hi. Do you like to watch romantic movies?
NaiveGirl: Yes I do!!! *giggles*
Romeo: My favorite movie is City of Angels… blha blah blah….
NaiveGirl: Awwww it is so romantic!!!
Romeo: We can go to the movies someday…. Or maybe it would be more quietly at my home…
NaiveGirl: Sure!!!! I will give you my phone number…. *giggles*
Me: Ughhhhh I already knew it would happen.
***Note: I know it would sound so crazy, but… this guy ended up being a very good friend of mine. Once you get to know him better and there is nothing romantic involved, he is not that crazy.
*After Italian, waiting for the French class*
SweetBoy: Hi. Are you enlisted in French?
SweetBoy: Me too!! We have 2 classes together. That’s great! I will look for you at conversation time. I feel comfortable with you. I hope our French teacher is better. The German teacher knows nothing. I bet she has never been in Germany.
Me: Really? I know nothing about German. I couldn’t notice it.
SweetBoy: My mom is a German teacher at the university. I grew up listening to her. I know a little bit.
Me: (If his mom speaks German. Why didn’t she teach him?) But this is a very basic level and looks like you already know more.
SweetBoy: I am not very sure about my bases. I never learned it formally. Also my mom told me that if I keep studying she will buy me a tv.
Me: O.o how old are you?
SweetBoy: 23… Well I just turned 24…
SweetBoy: Ahhh… I can’t fool people with that… well actually I am 28 years old…
Me: (He didn’t look as a 28 years old)Don’t worry about it… Are you studying other languages?
SweetBoy: I wanted to start Portuguese, but mom didn’t let me to do it… she says that I can get the “fever” of moving to Brazil.
Me: I love Brazil.
SweetBoy: I know, but my mom said that Brazil is not good for me.
Me: So, Is Germany better?
SweetBoy: hahahaha. My mom will never let me to move to Germany.
Me: ¬.¬ *sighs* Can you help me with my notes please? I understood nothing and i can’t trust my own notes…. You know more, you may notice if I did a mistake.
SweetBoy: Sure. Actually you need a tutor. I can help you with some extra lessons. Once we finish the class, we can go to my home and make homework together. I can help you with anything you want. Let’s go to my home!!
Me: O.O Ehmm… Thank you, but I do my homework at the library.
SweetBoy: Let’s go! It will be fun! My mom will make some popcorn for us and she can help us to practice some conversation… well just in case she doesn’t have too much work from her school… You will love her!!!
Me: Ehm… I would love to practice some conversation with your mom, seriously, you have no idea how much I would like to know her but…. We better not…. Also, my family is waiting for me at home and I don’t want them to feel worried…. You know… it is night, and it’s dangerous… and I don’t like to go out at night.
SweetBoy: Do you travel on a car or taxi?
Me: ¬.¬ bus… That’s why I don’t like to go out at night….
SweetBoy: Come on!!! Don’t worry. Come to my house! You will not go back home alone. Look at the window. Do you see that car?
Me: Yes I see your car ¬.¬
SweetBoy: Hahaha it is not my car. It is my mom’s car. She says I am not ready to have my own car yet. She is there. She drives me to school and waits for me to take me back home. I will go ask her if she can take you home once we are done doing homework… just wait a minute….
Me: No! no, no, no… don’t bother her…. She may be too tired and busy….
SweetBoy: I saw you talking to the boy of “City of Angels”. I will be close to you all the time and if he comes back and bothers you, just call me, do anything, a sign, a sight… anything… and I will come rescue you, ok? I can be like your professional bodyguard. Well, I better go now. My mom will come soon and she doesn’t like to see me talking to girls. My mommy says I am not ready yet to talk to the girls. I don’t think she will come to you but just in case… can you tell her that you approached me? Please, don’t tell her that I approached to you… please.
Me: O.O Sure… and thank you.. I guess….
At the end these 4 guys became my best 4 friends… I don’t know if it is good or bad…
I just want to say that these are the people I DID became friends with, because they were not as damaged as the rest. Let’s admit that, they are so crazy… but the rest were worse!!!
Do you still think that I must change and be more sociable?!?!?!?! Should I be more outgoing? Will you keep telling me that I must trust more on strangers?!?!?! What’s wrong with me? Why am I a Crazy-People-Magnet?!?!?! Or is everybody like that?
Despite they were so crazy… these were good times… I miss it…