Random Conversations Part II

Inside of our own house we can find the most disturbing and embarrassing conversations, because between family members love let us to express ourselves freely. This is a conversation between 2 brothers, twins [my cousins]. They are twins but they don’t look like twins.

“Brother A” is tall, blonde, athletic, “handsome”, well educated, responsible, “mature” and very grumpy (and has issues getting a girlfriend due to his bad temper).

“Brother B” is not that tall, not that handsome, not athletic, but has a very nice personality. He makes jokes all the time, he makes you laugh a lot, he gets all the attention at parties, or can take a common meeting with friends and turn it into a memorable party. He may say crazy things most of the time, but sometimes he can be really wise and sensitive. Usually he is just crazy. So despite he is not that handsome, he has lots of girls, and he can seduce any girl in 5 minutes just talking.  You know… Rock breaks scissors, money breaks pretty-face… and verb breaks everything.

If you talk with them separately both can be very nice, but if they are together….

Brother A is serving the dinner to his brother and the rest of the family members.

Brother B: I fucking hate you.

Brother A: I was expecting “Thank you brother for feeding me”.

Brother B: Your portion is twice as mine. I hate you.

Brother A: You know that I eat twice as you. If you are still hungry you can have a second serving, but you won’t. You eat like a 5 years old girl LOL.

Brother B: That’s why I hate you. You eat twice as me and you are not fat like me. How much do you weight? I am sure I am twice as heavy as you and you are taller than me. You eat twice as me and don’t gain a kilo. I only breathe and already gained 3 kilos.

Brother A: But I exercise a lot. I tell you to come play soccer with me but you prefer to be in the computer the whole day. You won’t burn calories playing videogames.

Brother B: Should I be like you, having so many activities the whole day and the only time you are at the computer is to watch porn?

Brother A: Shhhhhhhhh…. don’t say that… Ahhh… Then don’t eat. But if you exercise more you can eat whatever you want. The problem is not food, the problem is your gaming addiction, you never move from that sofa.

Brother B: So tell me. How does it feel?

Brother A: Feel what?

Brother B: I don’t move from the sofa and I have more girls than you LOL

Brother A: It just proves why the world is going to hell so fast. Why do I have to live in that kind of world?

Brother A: And I don’t have a girlfriend because I am too focused on my career!!! I don’t have time for a girlfriend.

Brother B: Since junior high school?

Brother A: I don’t know why a girl would want to date you. Look at that belly. You are so irresponsible about your body.

Brother B: Brother, relax, you are hyperventilating. You know that a man without a belly is like a sky without stars. *plays with belly like a bongo*

Brother A: And a man without a beer is a man without a belly.

Brother B: And a man without a girlfriend is a man who cries to sleep after watching porn.

Cousin: Ohhh Shots fired!!!

Brother B: You shut up pubertal midget!!!

Brother A: Ohh you are so tough. But please stop it. Every time you start a fight I have to come and rescue you. How many times did I rescue you from a beating?

Brother B: You didn’t rescue me.

Brother A: I know it’s my job. As your older brother I shouldn’t throw it in your face but… you started it. Now, excuse me, but I have to leave for a moment. I want to have a second serving of this delicious food while I know that I won’t get fat.

Cousin: Checkmate!! Hahaha.

***///***

My mom and I had 2 friends from Colombia, a woman around 30 years old and her mother, around 60 years old. Her mother practically adopted my mother and I felt like she was my grandmother. A long time ago they were in the same situation as us, a mother and her daughter alone just trying to have a peaceful life. They were very nice and funny if they are alone, but if they are together they fight all the time. They can’t spend more than 5 minutes without fighting. Their fights can be really funny, because Colombian people talk in a formal way to their parents, even if they are fighting or talking about anything.

There were some situations where I didn’t know how to react…

Daughter: (To me) Lets go shopping together. You need to change your style for something sexier. You need to get a boyfriend and start enjoying life, but first you need to change your style.

(Please switch the conversation to formal talking. I don’t know how to do it in English).

Mother: No! Don’t try to corrupt her with your crazy ideas.

Daughter: Mom, please. Just because you were raised by nuns doesn’t mean that everybody should dress as a nun too.

Mother: No! I know what you want to do. She is a good girl, not like you.

Daughter: I am not doing anything wrong. *grabs my hand* Come girl, you and me will go shopping and buy some lingerie for you…

Mother: Stop!! Let’s go to the living room and have some tea. Stop trying to put your crazy ideas on her mind.

Daughter: Mother, she is not your daughter. She can do whatever she wants. Why do you hate sex so much? Let people enjoy sex. Mother, I enjoy sex, why don’t you enjoy it too?

Mother: Stop talking about it!! You know that I hate when you talk like that.

Daughter: Mother, your problem is that you never had an orgasm in your whole life.

Mother: *long awkward silence*And how do you expect me to have an orgasm? I already told you that your father had less than an inch of penis.

Daughter: Mother please… There are hundreds of ways… *sighs* It is not the real reason to hate sex and you know it.

Mother: Stop!!! Don’t try to get your crazy ideas on my mind. I don’t want to be like you… like women like you!

MyMom: Well, its late… we have to go…

Mother: NO! We will have a peaceful dinner together. *Starts serving the dinner angrily* Now everybody shut up, pray and eat!

***///***

Friend: I am in charge of the marketing at my family’s business. I prepared those new ads a couple of weeks ago. Now I need to visit the competition, our rivals. Let’s check how their business is going on, and we will see who rules this world. But they will recognize me, please go with me and check their offers.

Me: Ok… *checks*

Friend: What happened?

Me: They have exactly the same special offers that you created a week ago.

Friend: Exactly the same? But it was my idea!!!

Me: I know. It’s like they can’t think about their own ideas.

*Arriving at her home*

HerFather: How was your day?

Friend: I am so angry!!! They have the same special offers I created!!! It’s like they can’t think about their own ideas!!

Me: (Did she just steal my sentence about stealing ideas?)

***///***

I was talking to a difficult client about which apartment would be the best for him.

Client: I am not sure about this apartment. I feel like there is something wrong about the apartment, but I can’t see it yet. How old is the electrical installation? I don’t want to pay for expensive electricity bills. Is it too cold? Or too hot? Any mildew problems?

Me: No. We have none of those problems.

Client: LOL… You will tell me anything to sell this, or you don’t even know.

Me: I know because I already lived in this apartment.

Client: Oh yeah… I can imagine that… Did your parents kick you out of the house? So you had to lease one of those apartments.

Me: Wait, what? No. I mean… before leasing the apartment I lived here to check that everything works, to understand the atmosphere, to see which improvements I can make. For example, I noticed that one of the faucets had a leak so we changed it. Look it’s a new one. Sometimes there are issues that we can’t see until we live in the apartments. I like to know exactly what I have and what I am offering. This way I know to whom I should offer each apartment. I know who will find it as his ideal apartment. Actually I have already lived on every apartment.

Client: Yes I can imagine that. Every time your parents kick you out of the house.

Me: What? No. They didn’t kick me out…

Client: Don’t worry. I understand. It is very common. Parents and children have problems all the time, fights, etc. One day somebody arrives home, late at night, drunk… then somebody decides to leave or the parents ask you to leave and you lease an apartment. And then you find a job or even work in the same building… I am glad you found a good solution.

Me: No. They didn’t kick me out. I lived in the apartment to check it.

Client: Hehehe. Ok, ok. Let’s say that your parents didn’t kick you out… whatever you want to say. So, when you were looking for an apartment… did you check other apartments? Or did you just come here as an “emergency apartment”? I don’t know if the area is safe enough, but if you could live here alone, by yourself… it shouldn’t be that bad… unless it is an emergency apartment. When you don’t have where to go, you may accept anything.

Me: (I didn’t…  Ahhhh!!!! Forget it…) It is a very safe area. The dangerous areas are the city’s outskirts and the areas with nightclubs. We are in the schools area. The neighborhood is full of students and families.

Client: But I saw a house with a notice saying “Neighbors working together for the neighborhood’s safety”.

Me: There is no reason to worry. It is a safe area, we have policemen, it is well illuminated during the night and there are students around the whole day. It is not a lonely, dark, dangerous area. You see families, children, students, business etc…

Client: But I saw the notice in your neighbor’s house… Why did your parents let you live there alone? I mean… It doesn’t matter how angry a parent may get to his child… We shouldn’t push them into more dangerous situations… a party night doesn’t worth the danger we expose our children… You know… it is very sad. I hope not to offend you but… your parents are too rich and there is no need for you to be working like that to pay for an apartment like this. I know that young people may lose the goal and get involved in parties. Even I had alcohol problems when I was young like you…

Me: Wait, wait, wait… Alcohol problems?

Client: Sorry for saying that. Can we see the blue apartment?

Me: That one? Oh it is not mine. It is the neighbor’s property. It is not an apartment. Do you see that store? It’s some kind of storage.

Client: Oh Sorry. I didn’t know it was your parent’s storage.

Me: My parent’s storage? No, they are not my parents. They are just my neighbors.

Client: Wait. Aren’t you XXXXX???? Aren’t you the owner’s daughter? The one who was so drunk at a party that she did….

Me: NOOOOOOOO.

Client: Oh my God!!!! I am so sorry!!!

***///***

*phone* Client: Hi. I am outside of the apartment, but I don’t know which one is the apartment. I see a yellow apartment, a blue apartment, and a red apartment.

Me: Oh you are at the wrong address. In the same block, you just have to go to the corner, turn right, walk a block, then turn right again, walk another block and then turn right again until you see a yellow house, a blue one and a red one. I’ll be there in a minute.

Mom: Why did you do that?

Me: I am watching t.v… Pops In Seoul, Junsu’s interview… they can wait a minute. *Keeps eating her bottle of ice cream*

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