A little bit of sex…
There is a fanclub I’ve never told you about: “Henber”. I visit their page from time to time, because they talk about assorted, interesting topics, they analyze the topics and show their own viewpoints. They write a lot. They do a huge work of investigation, analysis, they organize the information to draw a conclusion, cite sources and quotes, link youtube videos and pictures.. I am talking about a huge work. Topics are very interesting and I can spend hours reading about it, especially when they write about the Korean culture, because it is so different and interesting.
Every day, they face lots of critics saying: “All of them look like girls”. At some point, they asked to themselves: “Who is really gay and who is not?”. We know that we shouldn’t be interested in their private life, because their sexuality shouldn’t affect the way we see their work. But at the end, it is impossible to skip that topic.
If we are going to “classify” Asians as gays, under the American standards… All of them are gay, absolutely all of them. There is no one who can avoid that tag.
But we shouldn’t be that basic, to tag people as “gay” or “not gay”, because, if we talk about sexual preferences, we can find more than we can imagine. These girls divide sexual orientation this way:
Workaholic. (Sexual orientation is irrelevant, at the end, he/she will always be working)
Icy (Asexual/ non-sexual)
These girls have analyzed everyone’s sexuality; I mean Asian singers, actors, comedians etc. After the analysis, they discuss and talk about their viewpoints. These are some of their conclusions:
“After an exhaustive analysis of several Asian singers, I concluded that it is impossible to know the truth.”
“Kpop and Jpop taught me one thing: Who looks gay is not, and who looks straight is gay.”
“One day I think my bias is supergay, the next day he looks very MachoMan and the next day I feel confused”.
In this fanclub, most of the girls are sapiosexual, so they are very understanding about it. They don’t judge, don’t criticize. They say: “If my bias finds someone, and feels comfortable and loved… let him to be happy.”
I really like the way these girls explain everything. There was a special topic that got my attention. This is something that we all have been thinking about, and we even talked about it, in a very superficial way, without organizing the ideas so clearly. They explained the topic better than me, so I will transcribe their wise words.
Please keep in mind that I am talking about “Henber” fans. This means that they follow a girl, (mainly), because she is soooo cool. They follow a smart girl; she is smart, courageous and authentic. Therefore her fans are the same way. They are very honest, they may sound rude, but they talk in a very sincere way, they are not afraid of giving their opinion and are very feminists. Every girl has a boy in their profile pictures, the boy they like, so it is hard to know they all belong to the same fanclub. You can imagine how these girls act “If you mess with me…”
This is the opinion personal of “Henber” fans, I know some people will agree with them and some not, but it is very interesting to see how other girls see the “Hallyu Wave”. And now i am wondering.. how many girls feel the same?
As I said before, they write A LOT, so I will copy a few fragments of the thread. There is a general forum. There are fans from all the Asian idols. There was a girl talking about some random topic. So out of the blue, a bunch of haters appeared, saying very offensive stuff, but they basically said this:
“I don’t understand why you, girls, are wasting your time here. You waste your energy in people who doesn’t exist, because all of that, everything you see, it doesn’t exist, it is not real, it is just a mirage. I don’t understand how you can fall in love with them, and have fantasies about them. You see them as perfect gods. But you don’t realize that there is no way to meet them, and if you get to meet them, nothing will happen, because they are gay, all of them. Just look at your profile picture. Is that your bias right? Look how gay he is! Don’t you see that? You are blind in your fanaticism. You don’t even know how he is in his real life. You know there is a real life, right? I suppose that there are several beautiful girls, who can have a beautiful REAL relationship. I cant believe it. I am sure you have good boys in your real life, but you are letting them go, because you are in love with a mirage.“
Those comments were the starting point for debate about the topic: Why are we using our time and energy with the Asian guys instead of looking for a real life relationship?
HenberFan1: Somehow they have a good point to talk about. They said it in a very offensive way, but at the end, there is some truth in it. Not everything. I don’t know how many of you feel crazily “in love” with your bias, or follow him blindly, or think that they are perfect… Because I don’t think my bias is perfect. I know everything about him, I know lots of defects about him, probably more than the ones he thinks he has. Although, I really appreciate him and I am still here supporting him. It is not like you see some fault and stop liking him. At the end we know that they are humans, they make mistakes, and they get tired of everything. Or is there somebody who sees them as immortal gods? So, if they are average people, like you and me, like your neighbor or the guy beside you in the bus… Why are we here?
HenberFan2: I don’t think that we should consider a fact the sentence “You are so in love of your bias that you forget to have a real life”. For me this is part of my real life, because if it affects your mood and your perception of the world, it is real. I admit that after Kpop, all the guys look uglier hahaha, but it doesn’t mean that I will reject a guy in real life saying “Sorry, I am loyal to my bias”.
HenberFan3: I will tell you my viewpoint, like that, honestly and without anesthetic. Do you know why we are using our time in Kpop? Because it is the best we can find. Because men around us are helpless. Men do not fulfill our expectations and have left a feeling of emptiness in us, and we are filling that emptiness with Kpop. In Latin America, is not like you hear Kpop at every corner, you have to look for it, we were searching for something and we found Kpop. I mean that there was something missing in our lives and we searched at one place and another until we found something that could make us feel better. If men around you have nothing good for you, you look for something else to get busy and to bring happiness in your life. Some women rescue animals, other practice yoga, other became volunteers and we have Kpop. Maybe it is not the best thing for the society, but is the best for us.
If we are not in a relationship, it is because, around us, there is not a good man to live with. Even if they come to us, and we reject them, it is not exactly because we are in love with a singer. If the singer wasn’t there, we would reject that guy in the same way. Obviously that man will call us “fanatics” because it is easier to blame others. Actually it is the very opposite. We do not reject men because we are in love with a singer… We use our time with singers because we have rejected men. At the end we do need to love somebody and feel loved by somebody, but if the guy beside us acts like a wild animal, we will not love him.
At this point we found a Kpop singer, who looks nice, sweet and who is too far away to hurt us. We found a way to love somebody in a safe way. Why is it safe? His job is to be nice to girls, to us… So he will always be nice, he will sing us love songs and will be thankful to us. At the same time he is a stranger, so he can’t hurt us directly. Only if we let him to do it. I mean, if a singer has a girlfriend or gets married, and a girl feels hurt, it is not his fault, it is her fault for getting obsessed and letting her mind to betray her.
A singer, far far away, what can he do to hurt us? Even if at some point he becomes a terrible person, you just change to another bias. That’s all.
At the end, saying “I like that singer” is not the same as saying “I like that guy at school”. Because the singer is too far away, so it will not imply being rejected or breaking up with him. We have 2 options here. We may feel lots of things about our bias, but we will not call it “love”, we will not take it seriously, or we may be feeling real love, and even say all the time “I love you, my dear bias!”, and people will not take it seriously.
In addition to that, we are in a friendly environment. We all feel the same, so we understand and support each other, we don’t criticize other girls. We can express our feelings freely. We have seen several times girls saying “When I feel sad I listen to their music”. I bet that girl will never tell that to people around her.
At the same time, we are strangers, we talk together one day, and then we will never see each other again. We can even confess any secret and there is no problem, we are strangers.
We are talking about Asian’s high values, about their honor and respect… and how we can’t find these things here. We can even idealize Asia, but inside us we know that it can`t be as perfect as it looks. So why do we ignore that? Because every time this place looks like a sunken boat, we have the hope that there is a better place, or even not all the world became a mess.
Believing that there are still guys with real feelings, who are sweet, innocent and kind… is the only thing that help us to keep the faith. We want to believe that we will find a guy like them here. Even if we know that he may be just playing a role, we decide to believe it, so we don’t feel frustrated and bitter. We believe in this the same way people believe in religion, alternative medicine, or being an ecologist. We need to believe in something and this is an option.
To all the guys who feel hurt because we like Kpop, Jpop or any Asian singer… We will forget about Kpop when you have something good for us. So instead of criticizing, you better start working in yourselves, to become better men, and offer something good to us, so it is desirable to have a relationship with you again. Meanwhile, we will stick to Kpop.
HenberFan4: Do you really think that we can’t get a boyfriend in real life? I will not talk about myself; let’s talk about our bias… Do you think that she can’t get a boyfriend? Obviously there are lots of guys who like her, but how many of them have the courage to date a girl like her? She is a very strong woman, she is very honest and not every man is ready for a woman with a strong voice and strong values. I mean, how many boys will run away from me after saying this? However, we will not change our personality or values just to like everyone.
She has said several times, that she will never accept a player as boyfriend, and your reaction is to say “I don’t like her because she looks like a boy”. You know that this is not the real issue. The problem here is that you know that she would break up with you at the first mistake, or she would reject you without any doubt.
This is the real issue. Just because she is not like the little girl playing with dolls and dreaming about a dress, she is not the kind of woman who needs a man…
She is not that kind of woman, she is and independent woman, she is not afraid of saying what she thinks; she is strong and never forgets her values. She will never lower her head to an abusive man.That’s why you don’t like her, because all of those characteristics mean that she is not easily manipulated.
It looks like you still think that women are weak, so a more feminine woman, means a weaker woman, easier to dominate. So a rude woman, who is rebellious and will demand an equal treatment… is bad for you?
But we can see her being best friend with another guy, a man who doesn’t feel offended or afraid of her… Does it mean that he is stronger than you? Does it mean that he is not that sexist? Or maybe he is just a guy who respects people’s life choices?
HenberFan5: Even if she is lesbian, and the rest of the guys are gays… I don’t see them choosing friends by their sexual orientation. Do you know why there are more lesbians lately? It is not because all of them decided to “get out of the closet” at the same time. Lots of those women are not that lesbian, but they are sooo tired of men, that they prefer to take men out of their lives completely. Gentlemen, you took us to that level of hopelessness and disappointment. I am sure you have heard about “Her ex was such a bad boyfriend that she became lesbian”. Let’s be honest, she, as a lesbian, has much more to offer in a relationship, than most of the men here criticizing and being aggressive.
To follow from what she said… There is something that I can’t understand. Every time people talk about the Asian culture, they always say that they keep strong values that we already lost, that they are very traditionalists, and even too severe, they are very inflexible to new ideas. While America is the liberal, relaxed side of the planet. American people are open-minded and comprehensive.
If the world is like that… Why I am seeing so much homophobia? Is it hypocrisy? Because we know how people do all kinds of stuff, but at the moment they see somebody else doing anything, they scream, they point with their fingers and criticize. They have tags for everyone, like “perverted”, “gay”, “drug addict”, “crazy” or say that their lifestyle is wrong…. Where are all those open-minded people? Where is the “relaxed” environment? Because, at the end, they look more closed-minded than the “traditionalists”.
It is pretty obvious in internet. I mean, I can talk about all that stuff with people around me, and there is no problem. They pay attention and give their opinions, so we can learn from each other. But sadly, when I am in the internet, where people are supposed to be more “open-minded”, the reaction is negative.
I found the most close-minded people in internet. What happened? It looks like there are people being left behind, who can’t realize how fast the society is evolving. I can’t understand why I find more understanding people in my little third world city, than people from “developed” countries.
Since when, people reacts to a little signal of homosexuality? I thought we got over that stage decades ago.
“How can you like someone who looks so gay?”.
The answer is easy. We, women, are tired of sexist men. After generations of abusive men, women will not admit one more. So, in this point, in every woman’s mind, is a prototype of a sexist man. For some woman, that prototype may be a man, sitting in the sofa, asking for a beer, while the wife is taking care of the children. The man says he worked all day long, and h is so tired, so he expects the woman to serve him like if he was a king. The woman, who has been working all day long too, (at home or not), she is in charge of all the responsibilities at home, she is taking care of the children and she is the last one to go to sleep.
For me, my prototype is this:
A spoiled child who grew up being totally selfish, insensitive, ignorant and useless. He got lost in his own narcissism. He received everything from his parents, and never had to work in anything, so he doesn’t know how to face his own problems, he is always expecting people to do things for him. He thinks he deserves everything, and if he doesn’t get it, he does a tantrum. He is irresponsible as a child, but with physical strength and money. I feel annoyed every time I see a guy like this, with his beard and his shirt open to show his chest hair, his attitude towards people, humiliating everybody, and feeling superior. They don’t realize how we see them. I really hate the way they treat women, they think that talking about women as sexual object is funny, and how they go to nightclubs thinking that they can buy anybody with a cheap drink… They are classist, racist, and selfish. They are dead inside, they are cold and heartless. This is the kind of man y reject immediately.
I know there are other kinds of men, and not everybody is like that, they are not even the majority… But in my job, all men around me are like that. So it doesn’t matter if one of them is the most handsome or richer, or the most interested in me… The only answer he will get is no. Some girls don’t understand this, because they see a guy with money and a good job. But those guys really make me feel sick. I mean, I see them playing “to see who seduces the new girl first”.
So it doesn’t matter how many guys I met at my job, I will not like any of them. What do i do? I become autistic. But I have lots of love to give and I need to receive love too… then I need to find somebody to give that love. I am sure you will say “How a singer can be comparable to a real life boyfriend?
Once… it was a bad day, a really bad day. I was feeling sick, irritated… I was feeling like dying so I fell asleep, but the neighbor was making so much noise with some machine… so he woke me up in a very bad way… I was tired, but after days in bed, I really needed to do something else. So I turned on the computer… and the first thing I saw was this:
I will never get over this x.x
I know that this may not be real, it may be a commercial strategy, I know he may be sick of fans, and even hate them (not only the stalkers), I know that he may be the most gay guy in the world…
But at that moment, he was able to make me feel better, I forgot everything and I felt happy, he brightened my day. If that letter can do that to me… I will choose to believe in it and Donghae saying: “Lets love each other like there’s no tomorrow.”
Following that line, if Kpop makes me feel happy, or can change my mood to a better one, and I feel that it is good for me; I will have it in my life. So instead of saying “Stupid neighbor I want to sleep!!”, I turn on the music and say “Awww that’s a beautiful voice”.
Let’s be honest, if I am at my job, listening to the stupid, sexist, cruel conversations of my co-workers… Who would be the very opposite?
For me, a man who doesn’t care if he looks girly is a non-sexist man. It doesn’t matter if he is gay or not, he is not sexist, so he will respect me and women. Therefore he is the kind of people I want to have in my life. As a woman, I am looking for equality, so an environment that remarks the differences between men and women is an environment that remarks the stipulated roles.
At the end, the most important thing is freedom. Everybody should be free to do whatever he wants, without receiving attacks from other people. Who gets hurt if they look girly?
Sometimes people say: “This is a trap. It is a lie. I thought it was a woman and is a man!”. Is it really a trap? Because they expect to see boys and girls, but there is a line of thinking that wants to erase the roles between men and women. So men can act and look like women and vice versa. Both can do anything without thinking about genres and that kind of stuff. This way of thinking can be found in several subcultures, like hippies and emos. In those subcultures the important fact is to be with anybody who makes you feel happy and loved.
But it looks like when I talk about it on internet, people get surprised and say: “Oh you are a pervert; there is something wrong with your sexuality. You are a closeted lesbian. You shouldn’t be promoting that kind of behavior, it is wrong!”
So my conclusion is that we have a huge lack of sexual education, there is a lack of information. I can’t believe how in this time there is so much chaos about people wearing makeup, or believes in the equality between men and women (or wears bigger high heels than the ones I will never be able to use…….).
There is something I really want to explain. What does it mean to be “pervert”? What is sick? How far can you go in the sexual and affective level?
The meaning of “pervert” is: Person with a sexual orientation that may be considered as negative or immoral for society.
This is a very ambiguous and subjective description. What does society consider immoral? But I don’t want to talk about theory, let’s talk about real life, because, “in theory”, people should get married, having only one couple for the rest of their lives. But the reality is that people practice casual sex, see all kinds of pornography, cheat, and prostitution is one of the most profitable business. In the whole world, “sex sells”. The average age to start having sex and drinking alcohol is lower than the legal age.
It means that we live in a very hypocrite society, and it can twist the reality we see. In addition to this, we have seen how crowds can be wrong. If lots of people follow the same idea, it doesn’t mean that they are right. So we shouldn’t follow like lemmings.
So I want to stick to psychology. How far can you go in the sexual and affective level? The answer is easy: You can go as far as you want. You only have to follow these 3 simple rules:
1.- You must have control over the situation. You shouldn’t get to the level of addiction, of hurting yourself. As an example, when people practice sadomasochism, and the “games” go on a higher level, and higher until somebody gets a major injury or even dies, and the other one goes to jail.
2.- Your partner or people involved should agree with everything. They must understand what they are doing, they must be able to decide if they want to do it or not and absolutely agree. In the second somebody wants to stop, the situation may be stopped without any repercussion. An example of this may be pedophilia, when an adult uses his advantages to manipulate a child and make him to cooperate. The same about sexual abuse to elderly people, children, handicapped, people in a crisis, animals, rapes, to intoxicate somebody to weaken their will, coercion, power abuse etc…
3.- You should hurt third parts. You shouldn’t involve people who haven’t agreed to get into the game. It may refer to an exhibitionist or a cheater. There is a person A, who is in a relationship with B, and they promised fidelity to each other. Person A has sex with person C. A and C agreed, but it may hurt person B.
The point is that all people involved should feel comfortable and nobody gets hurt. The rest depends on each couple, because everybody has their own fantasies and limits. Every couple must look for the best according to their own situation.
To keep talking about the topic “How far can you go?”… A few years ago, the sexologist Silvia Olmedo was doing a conference, and somebody asked: “Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time?” And she said:
“I is well known when a man does something, he focus only in it, and he gets disconnected from the rest of the world. When a man is doing something, he doesn’t know what is happening around him. Soon, he finishes doing it and easily gets interest in something else. While the woman can do different things at the same time. Her brain can get divided in 2 or more thoughts and actions. Sometimes she does it fine and sometimes can make an obvious mistake.
Well, we do exactly the same with love.
When a man falls in love, he really does it. When he is in love, there is nothing else than his love. In this way, men love in a more perfect way, because they dedicate completely to that love. They feel with all that intensity and passion. But they go off love easily too. So they get interested in something else, or somebody else. So if a man is in love, there is no reason to be jealous, because he will be faithful. If he is not in love anymore, and cheats on you, there is no reason stay in the relationship.
Women don’t do the same thing. Women think, analyze, and measure the risks. And sometimes women overthink about everything, that at the end takes the wrong decision and let her true love go. And sometimes, they think until they are absolutely sure about their decision. Then they take the right decision, and when they choose a man and he makes her happy, she will love him, only him and forever.
A woman can love 2 men at the same time. I am talking about real love for both, but in a different way, because woman need to protect and feel protected at the same time.
Let’s imagine a situation: We have a woman, in her 30’s, divorced, with 2 children…. There is a man. She feels a crazy, powerful, passion. He is a fun man, who makes her laugh all day, he is sweet and tender, and likes to rest in her legs softly. She will really love that man.
At the same time, there is a very mature man, he is responsible, a true leader, he knows how to take the control in a bad situation, every time she has a problem he is there to help her and find a solution. When he hugs her, she feels safe and protected. He is a smart man who appears to have the right answer for everything. He is very sensitive, so he is very careful while talking, to avoid hurting her, he is very comforting, understanding, and at the same time, he is like a teacher or a guide in her life, in a sweet way. And the most important fact… this man is an excellent father. He is the best father she can find for her children. We already know that there is nothing makes a woman to fall in love more than a good father, because it is in our genes, in our most primitive side. So every time a man shows affection or takes care of another human being, like a father, with a selfless love, a woman will fall in love. And they don’t need to be own children or family…
In this situation, the woman will feel love for both men. She will love one man as “the excellent father” and the other one as her own “papacito”. And both feelings will be absolutely authentic and strong.”
We can find all kind of answers to this, depending on each one’s viewpoint. This is what I mean about “how far can you go”. For some people, this is ridiculous, it is a sexist response, it is irrational and against any moral values. The psychologist got lots of critics saying that she was promoting polygamy, and immorality. Some other accepted it with an open mind.
Now there is a little fact that people are ignoring:
If a woman likes two men at the same time, or even loves them, it doesn’t mean that she will have a relationship with both at the same time. Using her example, the woman has some options:
1.- She can be with both men at the same time. The pros and cons are obvious.
2.- She can choose the first man and have a fast passionate affair with him. The risk is that her children will pay for any mistake. The man can be a bad father or she can get too involved in her relationship that may neglect her children.
3.- She can choose the “good father” and bring stability to her life and her children’s. She may even be doing this for the happiness of her children, over her own happiness. The risk is that the relationship may become boring easily, and after some time, it may be tough to bear.
4.- She may choose none of them…
Because, we will like people, of course, but it doesn’t mean that we will have a relationship with every person we like. I mean, we have control over our mind, body and decisions.
In an ideal world, when people make a couple, they agree to be loyal to each other or to be open to the “polyamory”, assuming all the consequences of that decision. But sadly, it doesn’t happen in the real world.
I will not talk about all the reasons that may cause a cheating, because it is and endless topic, every situation is different, and I can be very rude… so talking in general terms: Why do relationships end? There are 6 main causes, in this order of incidence:
1.- When people, other than the couple, gets involved in the relationship and its problems, specially family. And all the communication problems related to this.
3.- Violence, lack of equality in the relationship.
4.- Incompatible life goals, fights for money, one person blocking the other’s professional career, or professional jealousy.
5.- Because both decided that they don’t love each other anymore or the circumstances changed.
6.- Sexual incompatibility, without cheating.
So, in the statistics, sexual incompatibility is not a big problem, if compared to other problems, but it is still very common. Is it possible to prevent it?
It is very important in a couple to have a good understanding to each other, a good connection. To get that, they must talk a lot, and communicate easily. It is not needed to have sex to know if the couple has a good connection or not.
There is the instant physical attraction, the famous “chemistry”, and/or love at first sight. It is to feel attracted to somebody without touching that person, only with looking at that person for a second, or a profound exchange of glances.
Another kind of attraction is more subliminal. We like somebody, but we don’t know exactly what it is. Maybe that person is not even beautiful, but there is something that we like. It may be related to the person’s natural scent, voice, or any little movement. You may feel this when you see somebody in its worst moment, when somebody is sloppy, tired, sad, angry, sick, without makeup, messy hair, wearing pajama… and even after that, that person still looks attractive. That means, that at the next morning, when you wake up, the person sleeping beside you will still look attractive.
The third kind of attraction is the compatibility of both personalities. Human mind is very powerful, and may influence how the body feels. A clear example is the sapiosexuality; when a person feels attracted to somebody else’s mind, ignoring the person’s appearance. In this case, it is not important the gender, age or appearance.
If a couple is sexually compatible, they will meet at least 2 of the attraction types. If they don’t, it is very hard for a couple to have a long term relationship. As I said before, there is no need to have sex to see if a couple is compatible or not. In fact, it is preferably to talk with your partner about all of this before having sex, so you don’t find unpleasant surprises while having sex…
That’s why communication is very important. The couple should take a moment to talk, alone, in a private place. They have to talk honestly, informality, with love and understanding, and so much respect for each other. They must talk about what they really like or not. They must talk about their fantasies and ask the partner about what they would like to do or not. They have to be clear about each other’s limits and respect that. That way people will know how compatible they are.
Now, lets talk about fantasies, but in a different way. Do you remember “learning with Sesame Street”?
Let’s do the same, but to make it more interesting… it will be called “Learning about sex with Super Junior”. 🙂
So, everybody is free to choose and enjoy their own sexuality however they want, and everybody expresses their preferences in a different way.
There are common fetishes, and people talk about them freely and even make jokes… The shoe fetish is one of the most common:
And there are not-so-common fetishes:
Fantasies are very common too. In fact, we all have fantasies, but not everyone tells them, that’s the difference. Now, there are fantasies…. And FANTASIES…
There are some light fantasies, spontaneous and even cute.. What do I mean by “spontaneous”? There is an innocent action. Donghae published in his social networks this weather report:
What whas the reaction? “Donghae, if you are the weather reporter, I would watch the news every single day”.
Then, we have the “non-guilty” fantasies. I mean, it is not like somebody is thinking about that kind of things all the time… but suddenly you see the situation in front of you.. and it is impossible not to think about it…
Ooops. Wrong picture… I mean, suddenly somebody says: “Can you imagine having a math teacher like that?”
And we have the really sick, twisted fantasies… I don’t want to explain this… OMG people, what’s wrong with you?
And the last one… people who are like Pandora’s box. You don’t know what to expect from that person… I mean, if they take you to a room and it is full of candles, you don’t know if he is a very romantic person, or he will tie you up and burn you with the candle’s wax.